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God Help Me – What Does Happy Look Like?

These are the fundamental beliefs that kept me saying my prayers daily, going to church, dressing appropriately, hiding my hurts, tolerating abuse, and ‘not living my life’ because God wanted me to stay at home where my husband could ‘protect me.’ These are the beliefs that made me believe that I was a Christian

  1. I had read the bible cover to cover before I was 20 years old.
  2. I attended church, conferences, and bible studies.
  3. I read only Christian books on what God wanted.
  4. I listened dutifully to those who impressed me with their knowledg of God’s Will, God’s Mind, and what he wanted me to live like.
  5. I did my duty in the church.
  6. I kept the secrets which would ruin the position I had earned in the Christian community.
  7. Jesus loves Me, at least, that is what everyone says.
  8. God is my father, all I have to do is be good enough and he will let me into his kingdom.
  9. If my pastor hasn’t seen it, or doesn’t understand it, then it isn’t of God. If he has seen it, or he does approve of it, then it IS of God – no matter how dangerous/damaging/horrifying.
  10. If we say the sinners prayer then it really doesn’t matter how we act – we will go to heaven.

 

Yet, there was nothing on the other side of the equal sign.

  1. I was not healthy
  2. I was not happy
  3. I was emotionally distraught
  4. I had an eating disorder
  5. I was lonely
  6. I cried a lot
  7. My children were distant and never laughed
  8. my husband did not show me any kindness
  9. God did not (appear) to answer my prayers
  10. Jesus’s love wasn’t enough to help me endure the endless days of torment, and nights full of horrible dreams.

It took 35 years for me to realize that something was missing – something very simple. God was missing. Without God – there is no Christian.

Jesus loves me, but his love doesn’t stop on the day he died on the cross. What I didn’t realize was that I needed to build a relationship with him before I could feel his love.  Love is like flowers. Sin and Pain is a fire. You can pour all the love you want onto a hurting soul – but it will just disolve into ash and smoke.  That was me.

It took me a long time to learn to love Jesus. Only then, could I feel his love. The funny thing is, by the time I felt his love. By the time I laughed and smiled. By the time I was truly thankful – I was no longer the person that I worked most of my life to be. I no longer fit into the social structure of the church. I no longer had any respect or affirmation from them. But, I did not care anymore. Jesus loves me, every day, every time I remember and turn my thoughts to him.

We are doing a chat this friday called ‘what does Well look like.’ I think I have my input.

Happy (well) is the place where you no longer spend your life working, sacrificing, and suffering to be what others want you to be.

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  1. Avatar of lifesjourney says:

    I really enjoyed reading this look forward to the next chat:)


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